We all know about the covid pandemic (if you don’t what planet do you life on and can I live there?), so due to being a high risk person (which is different to extremely vulnerable) as asthma is on the list of high risk, my work’s occupational health have given rules, one of them being that I must avoid groups of more than two people. As this is impossible to prevent in my place of work, it was deemed that it was better for me to work from home during day shifts. So I’d thought I would give you an insight into what a Scientist would get up to, this is my second and first full day of home working:
0720: I arrived at my new place of work and already one co-worker has taken my seat, he is now currently sat cleaning his feet and the boss is asleep in an upstairs office. So I take one look at my new colleague in my seat and go into the kitchen area to make a coffee, also decided to take the co worker who has stolen my seat a little breakfast treat before I find a desk to sit at – he eats his breakfast and is suddenly interested in what I’m eating, to the point I’m being stared at.
0800: After 15mins of trying to get the tablet and keyboard to work as well as downloading the documents needed, my co-worker next to me decides to then take my jumper, snuggle in it and fall asleep. About 45 minutes into my work trying to sort documents out for my Continued Personal Development folder, my seat stealing coworker decides he needs a wee and I have to go with him. There’s a catch to this, he doesn’t use a normal toilet and insists on going outside to back of the offices where he sniffs the air, patrols by the back gate entrance to building (which no one uses), walks around on the grass before finding the perfect spot and lifts his leg up for a pee. He will then sniff about for a bit before coming back inside, and curling back up for more sleep.
0914 sees my co-worker having a need to wash his bits in front of me for 2 mins and then looking out the window as he is the lead for something called neighbourhood woof duty, this basically involves looking out the window, waiting for:
1) a red coloured vehicle to pass and bark at it
2) a person to pass and bark at them
3) a dog to pass and go full on barking and growling at it
4) get excited and bark if think someone is coming to the building’s front door
Meanwhile my boss, who has yet to appear is still asleep in an upstairs office, I know this because can hear him snoring. I now need another coffee.
10am: The long awaited tea break time, seat stealer decided he needs an accompanied pee again but this is on false pretences, it’s actually an excuse to stand outside for 5mins sniffing the air, eating grass and chasing flies. Have decided seat stealer is a weird coworker.
Finally hear from the boss who messages down asking for coffee. Seat stealer needs a pee again…but I’m tricked as he sees this opportunity to sunbath! Boss comes downstairs and seat stealer runs inside, picks up a treat and takes it to him, what a suck up. Meanwhile I’m left standing outside with coffee in hand looking like I’m slacking off.
Boss and seat stealer are having a discussion about limited sunbathing and climbing over fences. Seat stealer is now asking to share the boss’s biscuits and the staring longingly worked. Do I get any? Nope.
1118: Boss is playing a survival game called last Oasis, apparently it is teaching him tactics and hunting skills in case it’s needed. Seat stealer is now laid on the floor by the back door, staring out longingly at the sunshine after being told he can have limited sunbathing time, due to escaping into the offices two blocks down.
1300: it’s time for lunch and as I’m new, it’s me who has been nominated to make it. Meanwhile, seat stealer has moved from sleeping position on floor by the boss to a sleeping position on sofa next to me. His job title appears to be Chief of The Dream Police as well as Neighbourhood Woof Scheme Lead and Chief Sun Worshiper. Food is served and suddenly seat stealer is awake, he eats his then sits in the middle of office floor and stares at boss and myself to see who caves in and gives him a bit of theirs. The boss exclaims he isn’t sharing bacon.
1400: lunch time over and seat stealer sits next to me, trying to get my attention by attempting to lick my face randomly. After a pet, he then decides to curl up and resume sleeping. Meanwhile the boss is talking to someone about the survival tactics they are learning. Seat stealer wakes up and demands I play with him, this involves standing on me and barking until I agree to play, as well as going outside for an accompanied pee. The short play results in sulking after I state I need to get back to typing. The boss just laughs and says he’s a bugger sod sometimes.
1500: The boss is on the beer after I needed him to help with technical issues – the keyboard stopped working with the tablet and I couldn’t save documents. This also took him away from his meeting on the latest creation in Last Oasis. Meanwhile seat stealer is still sulking with me over having to stop play and has gone behind the sofa so I can no longer see him, I suspect he has fallen asleep.
1600: Boss declares he is going for a nap after seat stealer and him have a play session. Seat stealer is still sulking with me so follows the boss upstairs and pesters him for some cold water then decides to come back down and pester me until I cave in to give him attention and give him some food. This ensures I have an afternoon tea break, not only does seat stealer have his food, he then demands I give him some of my cheese snacks by staring at me and doing a weird shuffle.
1700: fully satisfied that he has had enough of my cheese snacks, seat stealer falls asleep next me whilst testing my gag reflex with his farts. Meanwhile the boss’s nap session appears to have turned into a sleep session and I can hear him snoring in the office upstairs.
1800: the boss awakes from his nap, whilst seat stealer is fast asleep having taken up most of the seating area and constantly kicking me in order to try and make me move so he can stretch out more. I’m getting hungry, Brain is starting to hurt reading scientific papers and my tablet battery is now at 14%. I am feeling the urge to start drinking gin.
1830: my brain is fried, my tablet has died, I’m hungry, seat stealer is hungry and boss is hungry. I need gin and I’m done for the day.
The Weird World Of Dub Mouse 